"Madami pang lalaki sa mundo", and so they said. But what if out of all the people in this fucking world, out of a billion of them, I would only want one, and that’s you. 2 years, 4 months, and 15 days but finally I’m giving up. There’s a big difference between giving up and knowing once you’ve had enough. I guess after all this years of patience, I finally pitied myself for pain and grief in silence, the first time I’ve ever voiced out that I was tired, the first time I’ve ever wanted, or perhaps needed a break from this shitty relationship. They said, these are challenges and trials that lovers should overcome and stand up beyond. But what if? What if I am alone in this battle of love? Ain’t it still enough reason to stop holding on? I finally gathered enough reasons to let go of you, but failed to gather strength and courage to finally do. I know it hurts, all this pain, physically (because my eyes are currently swelling for almost 8 hours of continous shedding of tears, 8 hours and counting, though) and ofcourse emotional pain in my heart, having to believe I’ve had enough and eventually turns to the shitty break up lines. But thinking about it, isn’t life a world of pain? You can never guarantee a happy life. So why should I even strive to achieve it? We’ve gone through 2 years for something, and I hope I could find myself holding on, still. - I ain’t a fighter for nothing.
Bliss, that was what I was risking to lose if I ever let go of you. So would I be willing? Mind and heart are once again in their different directions. Contrast. Difference. Thus leads to choices. What to choose? Where to go? Who to listen to? The heart? That pushes me to hold on, because life would never be the same without him? Or the mind which tells me to give up because I deserve a lot better? How do you deal with desicions when the last thing you wanted to do was decide? How do you pick what’s in between, when there are no common aspects in my heart and mind, when there are no intersecting lines? Who do you talk to when all the people around you perfectly misunderstands? Where do you turn to? When the last person you believe in, finally gave you a battle you cannot handle? How do you keep the faith, when all things around you are falling apart? How do you cope up? When the only man who makes you smile, is the same man who today, made you the least lovable person on earth.
So is it? 869 days and finally done? Or should it be, 869 days but fighting?
"Hindi mo dapat iyakan ang mga ganyan bagay". That was the most inconsiderate things I’ve ever heard in my life. So did God kind of gave you a list of things to cry over? Does it not include pain and heartache? If it doesn’t then I wouldn’t wonder a lot. It wasn’t surprising that you don’t care a lot about people leaving, it is heartless for me to say these things, but being heartless is what you are, for being inconsiderate of your own daughter’s feelings. Freedom from this house was the last thing I wanted, but it turns out that tonight, it was exactly what I needed. To be free from this prison cell of emotionless people, headed by no other than my father. Maybe I was right, I do not belong in this family, I am too emotional for their life, but this is what I am, and you can never change me. Because no one really understands what I feel right now, because in this life you can never really share what you feel without other people’s opinions thrown at you. So here I am with pen and paper inclusive of my feelings, because suddenly I realized that this was exactly what I needed, a time to vent out my feelings through my passion.
The ultimate question is, could anybody really understand? Maybe yes, maybe no. But this, I am sure of, no one can really help you up but yourself. Because you journey through life alone, and that’s the sad reality of it.